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The QueenNational Jack The Ripper, Mr. Moaning about foreigners. Moaning about each other. Moaning about the past. Moaning about the present. Queuing. Moaning about the press. Queuing And prejudgmentHours Ask India. They run the office now Oscar Wilde on England

England also known as The UK, Europe or Great Britain is not the greater part of Britain and for obvious reasons is usually avoided by the Scottish and Welsh.

People from England are most famous for wearing a suit and tie, a top hat and a monocle, along with a funny curly moustache and poorly looked after teeth an attire which is pursued totally regardless of the occasion. This fashion has been popular since the late 1880’s, this being one of the reasons Jack the Ripper was so hard to catch.

See History of England for an alternative history.

The British Isles were originally one continuous landmass, when the Irish were discovered a moat was quickly established to separate Britain and Ireland. It proved to be ineffective as after a couple of drinks, the Irish found they could swim. Since then various other methods have been used to disassociate themselves from the Irish, such as devolution. The current strategy is for English people to pretend they like them, in the hope that the Irish will retreat with a nervous smile, saying something like "I just remembered something I have to do". It is, as yet, proving ineffective. After another year of trying, the English plan to be even more forward with the Irish maybe even putting a hand on their thigh while chatting with the rest of Europe in the pub in the hopes that Ireland will express its homophobia and finally retreat. It has been acknowledged that this plan could possibly backfire, and that, should Ireland respond positively, England may have to get off with Ireland. The foreign secretary has said that this is a "risk [England is] willing to take". Plans to cut off the Scots and the Welsh have recently been proposed in the Witangemot (the English parliament).

England has been invaded at various points throughout its history. Fortunately, every invader mysteriously became English when they took over, thus leaving England undefeated. This was extremely lucky as in 1066, the bloody French won their first (and last) war against England and a large seed known as William the Cockney took over. He was followed by a long line of foreigners brought over solely to annoy the locals by steadfastly refusing to learn the native tongue of the king. Which was obviously German.

England’s history is filled with wars, nearly as many wars in its history as America has had in the last 10 years. England should not be considered to be a war mongering country. We all know that really it was always someone else’s fault. Come on. Those unarmed tribesmen looked at us in a funny way, and anyway if we had not stolen their bananas the French bloody well would have!A notable attribute of the English is the funny way in which they speak the American language. They seem to omit most of their Rs unless they are Northern and thus have too many Rs! and most of their dialect tends to comprise of "Mm, quite!", "Spot on, old chap!", "Ah, jolly good!" or some variant. We have yet to comment on this, though, as we feel that they may be making fun of us, so we usually laugh nervously and look the other way, or change the subject.

The official language of England is still English, although that language has since declined in popularity, and the vast majority of the population now speak Engrish, which is even more unintelligible than its predecessor.

Engrish is made up of Latin, Old French, Old High German, Norse, Phlegmish, Garlic, and Olde English. Thus multi culturalism is endemic to the British people, so there’s no point complaining because your neighbours are all from places like Pakistan and Bosnia.

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